It’s confusing to realize your place in the world and that as a fallen person, you do not know your needs as well as he does. Finding that balance in saying “I am asking for this while knowing I don’t know my own needs as much as you do” is difficult.

As in heart wrenching, soul searching, spread out on the floor in pieces difficult.

At least it is for me. This painting Celeste made may not depict the prayer, petition, and thanksgiving we are supposed to request through but I relate to the image.

Who’s to say we can’t scream from whatever stool, soap box, in hopes that he’d show that He is listening.

This theology, this “people first” theology seems to have lost some of it’s gusto. It’s easily clouded by all the other garbage surrounding us.

The theology of relationship has a lot of implications. Relationship is tough as nails. Not relationship as in “hey, this is my friend who I know nothing about” but relationship where you feel each other’s hurts, feel each others joy, and can speak the other person’s mind for them.

When it gets tough and it seems like the hammer is constantly beating down on you, natural reaction is to pull away. To say “wait wait, something isn’t right here, I need to take a step back because that hurts.” Jesus seems to be saying that the greatest commandment is to go against that knee jerk reaction and to actually press into relationship not pull from it.

Isn’t this what He does to us? Isn’t that His promise?

Imagine, if you will, a place where you actually feel His joy. What would it mean to you if you were able to feel the joy and the excitement and the overall sense of peace that He serves? What would change for you if this were your perspective, the lens you look at life through?

I am feeling myself resort to my knee jerk reactions of pulling away and stepping back. I feel like I have committed some grave mistake in my actions and that I need to reset the sights. It isn’t a punishment for my wrong doing but that I feel I’m going in a different direction than He intended. Figuring out how to reset the sights, to press into Him and others around me, has caused a lot of heart ache. I feel myself slipping into old habits and old ways as I search for the reasons why. The questions posed are all questions I need to answer myself, not just ask.

We can see God flexing, showing what He’s capable of to the group of doubters.

We also see God preparing Gideon for something crazy. Gideon, when facing the entire Midianite army at an already outnumbered ratio, gets brought down to seemingly ridiculous sizes. It’s as if God is saying “I hear you saying that you’re already afraid, but let me prepare your heart so you know that I am here.” He knows what parts of Gideon need His light, and he shines bright as ever in it. Up through the battle, Gideon must have been terrified.

I don’t know what He’s preparing me for, but I am searching for any type of encouragement and word from Him that it’s all in his hands. My heart is aching for whatever He’s bringing me through. I am banking on His flex, banking on his miraculous side, waiting to see Him and hear from Him on what to do.

It hurts to wait.

He tells us to take the lamp out from under the beds and put it on the nightstand. Not just to shine it brightly for others to see Him, but for us to see by.

Lukewarm isn’t a desirable characteristic in the person He’s made you to be.

I want to leave a dent. I want to alter the events that come after me. I refuse to give up hope that I can do this. I want the efforts of my labor to push the world toward this direction of His promises and not the other guy’s lies.

Be not mistaken: This. Is. Tough. Tough as nails. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. This takes an emotional tole more than anything else, although I could use a dentist visit. Constantly plagued by doubt. Constantly looking backwards towards what once was. I am the proverbial pillar of salt. I have all the motivation and direction from Him I need, but it’s the transformation of knowledge to wisdom that is so difficult.

A while later (20 years or so), Jesus and his disciples are walking to Sidon and are being bothered by a Canaanite woman. She is looking for Jesus to heal her daughter. After telling the woman that He has not come for the dogs, He heals her daughter because of her faith. As a Gentile woman, Jesus’ healing goes around even his own initial plans and reaches to all people immediately (brings up the idea of Jesus changing plans, which touches predestination and…all kinds of things for another day).

See the parallel between these two (let alone the idea that we are the whore bride of Christ)? Christ’s first act of declaring his identity goes directly against the norm. He doesn’t waste any time. Him turning all expectations upside down isn’t a new concept, but the fact that it’s in every single thing He did is electrifying. What is He telling us?

The master of the house is shocked that the good wine is served last because, let’s be honest, the wedding guests have already had a lot to drink. They’re already drunk so they can’t taste just how good the wine is. They can’t appreciate it. Jesus’ miracle tells us they can. That even to a drunk person, the wine of Christ is sweet enough to make a difference for them.

Same thing with the woman, even the smallest of crumbs, the slightest direction from Him, is enough to bring peace and health to the home.

It’s everywhere, and the rabbit hole goes deep. Even focusing on just the John passage shines light on so many sides of His personality and how he works.

Despite this, even though I can see that He doesn’t operate how I expect and in fact, the opposite of what I expect, I get frustrated at how He’s not satisfying my needs how I need him to. I am trying to trust that He’s taking care of me in ways I don’t know I need to be taken care of, but because it’s not how I expect, I struggle.

I am the whore bride who doesn’t feel like she’s good enough. I am the surprised master who misses the point. I am trying to have the faith and boldness of the Canaanite woman.

With Christ, it seems a bit different. Actually, seems opposite. Instead of being given the variables, the “here and now” values, we’re promised the result. The end. Our window to the future isn’t dependent on the perfect predictability of the present variables, but on our own faith in what he has promised us.

I find myself back in a struggle I’ve seen him prove himself through. I have seen the outcome, have seen him say “I’ve got this” but am still afraid of what is happening.

I know the outcome, I know the end. Whether I have faith in it or not is not my point. I know what He promises and what He told me.

This leaves the issue to the variables and who should decide what value to put on what. My faith is even more weak in this area. Maybe not so much faith as it is wisdom. I don’t know if I should be waiting for Him to say “this is what goes there” or if I should lean into him and act in a direction.

A friend told me to read Proverbs to gain wisdom. That’s probably a good starting point.

On one side you have the never-ending, always present promise of His compassion. He will always forgive us, never leave us, no matter what our mis doing.

On the other, is the idea of knowing when enough is enough. It’s knowing that you’re off your mark and in throwing your pearls before the swine, you’re wasting something valuable.

This balance goes back and forth on the fulcrum of character.

And it’s killing me.

A good friend of mine called me the other day hurting his way through this as well. He is standing by, watching an old acquaintance fall apart but can not act as he knows it is a destructive for both if he does. How do you resist feeling responsible for those that are struggling?

It’s killing me to see my friends hurting in this way, too. I feel so incapable of helping when I see them wrestle with where to place the balance point.

I am frustrated with other relationships I have. I feel like I’m throwing my pearls before the swine. I am getting angry with individuals and am feeling like I’m carrying the weight.  I am angry that I feel spoken to from a point of  pride versus a point of humility but to speak it, I commit the same err.

Somewhere, the balance can be found. Christ has found this balance with me, and operates as to teach me through my “swine days.” Through Him, we are capable of performing this same balance. It’s difficult to learn how to practically apply this ability He has given us.

“Works” in this instance, and even James speaks from this point, is meant by actual doing, it’s a verb. He mentions helping women and children, serving your community, things of that nature.

What about works as a noun. “Works” as in the areas and times that our faith is tested. Faith without being tested means nothing. He mentions this, too.

It’s tough to keep focus on this idea when the trials are great, when the opposition is roaring it’s head.

If we’re able to apply stewardship to non-physical things, we’re able to fit it into this idea of works as a noun. Struggles and trials don’t come from our father, but from the other guy. The trails are noise surrounding his voice, they’re distractions. Scary ones, too.

I am struggling to be a good steward of my heart, my eyes, my character. In this trial, I am fighting him in healing my heart to become more like him, letting his character traits grow in me.  I am quickly looking away at other things and getting frustrated and turning away from him.  I ask him for the things I think I need and lose sight of what else He is doing in me.

He seems to be telling me (yet again) to quit looking there, and look at Him.

Psalms 46:10

It’s such a non-tangible verb. A large majority of other verbs imply a path. Crank the gear lever, steer the car, squeeze the orange. All things I know how to do. My trust muscles are weak.

If faith is believing that which I can’t see, it’s in the same non tangible verb/noun boat as trust. They use the same muscles. The verb produces the noun. The beauty is that as I’m attacked on one specifically, He responds and both benefit.

What characterizes this new guard? How does it carry the message to Judea and Samaria? How has it been affected and what will change about how it carries out His way?

“Generation Us” would be easier to describe from my point of view of I could encapsulate everything I’ve read, every thought I’ve had, and every emotion I’ve ignored over the past 2 years. It’s as if my heart was prepared for this generation but my head was off in la la land.

For now, Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 seems to sum it up. It is the change I’d like to see in my heart and I see what it could do for my home, my neighborhood, my community, my city…

I am working at preparing a cohesive, concise declaration of this message. Maybe it’s because I feel like I need you for you, but maybe it’s because I need you for me.